On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
