I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
