I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
