I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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