im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
