Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
