everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
