fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
