I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
where are my eyebrows?
I love you.
Bad choice
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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