i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
