I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
