community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
