You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
