ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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