I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
