I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
