we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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