Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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