I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
