So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
