The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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