My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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