Im at strip club and am horny
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
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