i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
