remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
