I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
