i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
