i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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