You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
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