yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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