I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
