Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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