Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
