I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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