I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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