I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Church boner. Awkwardddd
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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