I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize