Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
