Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
