not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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