No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
They have beer where we have blood.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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