Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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