He uses pillows to masturbate.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
