i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
