I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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