lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
