I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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