Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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