you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
