Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Randomize
