I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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