I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize