I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Randomize
