I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
