Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize