I cannot find my penis.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
