I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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