so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
