I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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