exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
