i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
