38 yer olds are good kisserssss
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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