No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
